Is Your Partner Making You Fat?

It's a real life fact that a partner can influence your weight. Now, most of us don't need a scientific study to show this—although there are many! We simply know this to be true, based on our own experience. That's the topic for my Today segment, along with the show's contributing psychiatrist, Dr. Gail Saltz. This discussion makes sense, as I believe that food and emotion always seem to go hand in hand. Do you?

Why does this happen, and when are we most vulnerable? I've seen this most often during several key periods of the woman's life cycle:

A new relationship
New love is both blind and hungry. Seriously, because we have such a big focus on food in our country, a very typical social activity is eating—often. Meals, snacks, late-night—you name it.

A show of support
Eating the same foods together is a bonding experience. Often, women take on the eating habits of their significant others. It is unrelated to nutrition, but to a comfort level with the partner.

Post-pregnancy weight gain
Those pregnancy pounds have piled on, the baby's here, and there are 20+ pounds still to lose. Often, the new dad has gained weight in "sympathy," and there's a big barrier to moving to the "pre-baby" eating habits. Fatigue often contributes to this inertia in getting back on track.

Mid-life issues
Beginning in the 40s, as many women are entering the mid-life years, change is ongoing. Whether it's kids growing up, aging parents, career changes, and/or hormonal issues, there's a lot of pressure and stress for most women in this group.

The ultimate multi-tasking woman often feels overwhelmed at times (I know I do), and a loving partner will frequently feel a genuine need to "reward with food." Whether it's a fancy dinner, a box of candy, or a giant sundae from your favorite ice cream store, it's a show of love and kindness.

So, are there any solutions to this problem? Read on. While some couples "wake up" together"—Gee is this us?"—as the weight creeps up, others turn on the light-bulb alone, and make their partner aware of this.

Watch the video below to see our couple in the TV segment who looked at some recent pictures of themselves just one year after their wedding, and couldn't believe they were the same people as in their wedding photos! For her, a 20 pound gain, and for him, a 30 pound gain! They turned their partnership to weight loss, and have not only lost the extra weight, but have kept it off for six months (and they're still happily married!). Their healthy lifestyle is now permanently ingrained in their relationship.

Watch the segment from TODAY There are some easy ways to manage this very common problem. The only things you need are a cooperative partner, and some imagination. If you're willing to accept that food has become a little too much a part of your life, it's pretty simple to substitute some calories for other activities both you and your partner enjoy. You can learn to bond with togetherness, not food. We all know what to do. It's implementing these changes that is difficult. That's where your partner can be of particular help if you're doing this together.

Wasn't that marriage vow "in thickness and in health?" Seriously, talk to you partner about this, and come up with a plan. Two brains work better than one, when it comes to partnership weight loss.

I'd love to hear about your own particular "battle of the partnership bulge."

Here are some of my favorite tips, to help with eating, activity, and emotions—all important to both starting and sustaining a weight loss effort. They've helped me and my patients - pick and choose what works for you!

EATING

At home:

1. Keep less food at home: plan your meals around lean protein and lots of fruits and vegetables.


2. Limit the snacks in the house: shop together, or at least make a list together, and agree to one or two snacks in the house at one time. Aim for the 100 cal snack packs.


3. Cook together, and focus on creative way to lower fat, and use spices. Subscribe to Cooking Light magazine, or others, and check out online low-calorie cooking sites.


4. Don't "reward" with food, and find other substitutes, like some flowers, a manicure, a good book, etc...

In a restaurant:

1. Share an entree, and each order a salad or clear soup


2. Split a dessert (agreeing on one is the hard part!)


3. Avoid fast-food restaurants

EXERCISE

1. Substitute an after-dinner walk for a dessert


2. Buy a pedometer for each person, and include a daily 30 minute walk together


3. Take a walk instead of meeting for a coffee and a pastry


4. Find some physical activities "for two" like dancing.

EMOTIONS

1. Support each other at times of temptation


2. Reward good behavior and be positive (avoid the "should you be eating that?" query)
   
3. Commit to mutual effort


4. Point out any accidental sabotage your partner may bring to the table


5. Keep communications open

For those who have been reading, saying "Great, but my spouse won't help"—there is still a good plan for you. If you have to go it alone, just ask your partner to be neutral (with your goal to avoid being judgmental the weight of your partner or others). Just do your own thing. Seek support from family, friends, or groups. Online options are also available.

Let me know your thoughts!

Comments

your advice are great.

there are some grammatical errors...

I've been with my fiancee for a year and have been best friends with him for 6. After the death of his father 2 years ago, my partner gained a lot of weight and had talked about losing the weight but has since stopped. I try to encourage by cooking healthy meals and the like but there is only so much I can do. Any advice?

We really enjoy eating out all the time and buying slushies to eat while watching a movie at home. This is almost an everyday routine. When I met my husband I was a size 4 and 5, now I'm a size 10. I'm not as energetic as before. It's really hard to stop eating junk food. I told myself and my husband that last Monday was my last day to eat unhealthy, well I broke it. Today I said that's it, I have to do this. I give myself credit since I went and bought fruits and veggies. I pray to god to give me enough will power. Thanks for listening you all.

Lori - I've noticed that if you can get past the first 2-3 weeks of craving junk food, you will be able to move past the cravings easier. Instead of ice cream (which I'm allergic to but still crave!) I'll have a caramel yogurt. It isn't the same but it is a change. If I want candy, I'll have a tall glass of water and a piece of really sweet fruit or a piece of multi-grain toast with some jam spread (thinly) on it. It works for me. If I want something crunchy, I'll measure out a bowl of nuts and seeds and grab a bag of carrots and go to town. I don't feel guilty eating an entire bag of carrots! Oh! Popcorn! If you cook it on the stovetop (a bit of a pain, and slightly messy) and sprinkle it with salt, a tiny dab of butter, and a tablespoon of maple syrup (the real stuff) it makes a great sweet and salty snack. There was this great book that I bought for healthy eating and stuff, its called Body Foods for Busy People. It is really good, and the food is fantastic!

My 2nd husband likes meat & potatoes. He eats one veg. a year: an ear of corn. After 16 years of junk food & no veggies, I've jumped from a size 6 to a size 18. Yikes! Last month I decided I wanted to live better & longer. Now I fix 2 meals at night: his & hers, plus work out everyday. Yeah, it's a pain but I've lost 10 pounds, feel & look better. I can hardly wait until next summer when I buy a fantastic looking swim suit!

those individualized portion snacks are a good idea, but all those little bags and boxes are just murder on the environment. Maybe just a piece of fruit??

I got very sick, gained 100 pounds,had a hesterectomy, and ten years later, I can't lose the weight. I have tried to eat small healthy meals and go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I went from size 22 to 18 but have really lost no weight and hit a plateau that seems to be unbreakable. Now, I am 40 and single...could that be what it takes to break the plateau? I hope so. Maybe having the wrong partner was what was keeping me at that plateau.

Lori,
After a few weeks, excercising will be easier as well. I started going on walks every morning about a month ago...at first it was really hard to get up early before work, and I didn't feel like doing it. After two weeks though, I began to look forward to my walks because they gave me more energy all day, and I was happier, mentally and physically. Don't try and just go cold turkey with food if you usually end up breaking it. Be more realistic with your goals. Instead of saying, "Today I am only going to eat healthy", try telling yourself "Today I am going to only drink one soda, and water. I am going to eat a piece of fruit with two of my meals." Little steps in the right direction will get you where you want to be, and not in such a painful way. If you have to have soda, get diet. If you want icecream, get frozen yogurt or the lower fat stuff. Every little choice counts.

My husband tells me all the time that I need to lose weight. I have gained about 40lbs since our marriage. Our sex life has really gone down hill and I think it is becasue of me. He gets angry and upset becasue I have gained so much. He asks me all the time "when are you going to go on a diet!" It hurts me emotionally, but then again, I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. It is hard to lose weight, and I want to but I don't think he should point it out to me all the time. I know if he was the one that gained the weight, I would want him to lose it, but I wouldn't yell at him and ask him all the time to do it. He tells me at least 5 times a day how much I need to lose weight. Any suggestions on either how to stick to a diet or how to control my husband from getting mad at me for being a little over weight? (btw- I am 5'7" and 185lbs) I use to be at 135-140lbs. Thanks!

I have always had a weight problem. Just about the time I turned 18, I started to gain weight with a vengence. I exersized alot, didn't eat any fat, but only had a little progress. I got married, had twin boys and decided to do something about my weight. My husband never said I was fat or needed to loose weight, I just decided that this was what I needed to do for myself. Once I made that decision, I planed out my diet, with 4-5 small meals a day and started to do resistance training with a rubberband in my house. I lost all the weight I wanted and then some. Ten years later, I'm still keeping the weight off and am very happy with the way I look. My husban's and my biggest problem was that when I said no, I didn't want something, he would say, what does it hurt to treat yourself...It's O.K. to cheat once in a while. The trouble was that for me, that wasn't the case. So, we agreed that no means no. So, don't ask again. Now he even eats healthier and looks great and is lifting weights, too.

I have been married for two+ years. When I met my husband I weighed 113 pounds and wore a size 3/4 (I'm 4'10"). I was very active and I watched my diet. However, my hubby was the opposite and I ended up acquiring his habits. Three years later (one dating, two married) I am up to 137 pounds. Just a few months ago I was up at 150. I was tired all the time and I hated the way I looked and felt. I decided it was time to make a change, even if I had to do it on my own. I joined a gym and started eating healthier meals. The good thing is that my husband will eat whatever I make for dinner and he doesn't really complain. I still buy him certain snacks that I don't eat, like potato chips, but I will buy healthy snacks for myself as well. The thing about health and fitness that a lot of people tend to overlook, is that the only person in charge of your health is you. Sure the support of a partner is a good thing, but you have to make the effort yourself.

My problem is I am on a vey limited income, and the cheapest thing we can eat is hanburger helper and potatos. My wife just doesn't seem to care about how big we are getting,and its frustrating.

Married2yrsnow,

I would lose the biggest weight of all -the husband!

No, I am not saying that, literally, but he has verbally abused you so badly that you are blaming yourself for everything. (I think your sex life has gone down hill because who wants to sleep with a jerk that makes you feel worthless?!?)Someone that LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE would NEVER disrespect you that way!

Was he as mean to you before you gained weight? Would everything change in your life if you lost 10 lbs.? If you were dying of cancer, suffering, would he treat you the same way?

In any event, sticking to it, I've found, is the hardest thing. Whatever is right for you, do it and you will look and feel better. Best of luck to you!

your to easily taken in a survey of physicians and surgeons would show you none of the advertised medications are recommended or medical constrain for use for americans

i am not over-weight, but my boyfriend is struggling with his. i try to be supportive only he dosen't accept my support or advice because of the weight difference.

what can i do?

supportive girlfriend

I agree, Married2yrs...if he is this bad after two years, just imagine how abusive he may become later. Someone l ike him will always find a reason to criticize you, even if you do lose weight.

By all means, lose weight if you want to and are able, but use that new body as a single girl, I say.

I understand that people change but you think you have it rough when your boyfriend or husband say you gained weight. I have been dating my b/f about a year and I gained only 5 pounds and he has the balls to tell me I am getting fat. i am very attrative weigh 125 and am 5'7 i think i look good and i get men who look everytime i walk into a room. Anyways my point is some men / women are never going to be unhappy they will just complain to complain. if that is he case dont fell bad about yourself know that they are living in thier own world and leave them.

When I met my fiance earlier this year I was 92ish pounds & a size 0/1. Now it's mid year & I'm a 6/8 & clearly over 100 but under 120 lbs. I was told I was small due to the hussel & bussel of worrying of my Mother's cancer, but now 6 months after her passing I have gone up the 6-8 sizes & I feel extremely fat for my 4'11" frame. Everyone advises I look "healthier" but I feel WAY beyond my normal self of "Mom with 3 sons." I have tried dieting but my sugar lowers faster & I feel faintish at the worst times, i.e. driving, shopping, cleaning. My fiance advises I am very beautiful no matter what. What can I do to diet in a heathier non-dangerous way to stay small but not morbidly "bone-ie" looking?

XBMom2000, don't "diet" to stay healthier; just move more! Your body is designed to move pretty much all day, and most modern humans sit on their butts almost all the time, instead. If you find ways to add more movement into your routine (park further from the grocery store, take the stairs instead of the elevator), even if you don't change how you eat at all, you will likely lose weight and definitely be healthier. If you also just make healthier choices in what you eat (more veggies and fruits--which EVERYBODY needs to do, whole grains instead of simpler starches, etc.), you will be healthier still. And rejoice that your supportive fiance finds YOU beautiful, whatever your body may be doing at the moment!

I'm a bit heavier than I used to be as I changed to a more sedentary work and lost my regular exercise somewhere along the way. My wife has also put on a lot of weight (being prone to it).

However, I have tried to get back into a training routine but I feel I'm getting a lack of support. My wife's elderly mother, with whom we live, does the cooking and insists on fried meat nine days out of ten. I've asked my wife to try to talk to her about this and I'm just told that I shouldn't eat so much (in which case it will get thrown away) or I should consider myself lucky to have such good food cooked for me.

Likewsie, my wife has a very stressful job and is tired when she comes home. She often just 'couches'and watches TV until bedtime. I can't seem to get her interested in any exercise. She says she's tired and stressed but doesn't seem to bel;ieve me when I tell her some exercise (dancing, aerobics, walking) will destress her and actually make her less tired.

What to do?

I have always battled the issue with my partners, not necessarily myself. What am I doing wrong? Almost all of the women that I have dated (long term) have gained weight. The first (my first love) was the only exception. I think it has something to do with me. When I got married, I married a beautiful very small framed woman and since our marriage and children she is now very plump and complains about her weight all the time, I have offered multiple times to do something...walking, workingout together. I cannot get her to go with me. But, this had happened to all of the women in my life, I don't know what I am doing wrong. I read the article and said to myself, "yep tried that" over and over again through the whole article. Nothing works, I don't know what to do??? help?

I have always battled the issue with my partners, not necessarily myself. What am I doing wrong? Almost all of the women that I have dated (long term) have gained weight. The first (my first love) was the only exception. I think it has something to do with me. When I got married, I married a beautiful very small framed woman and since our marriage and children she is now very plump and complains about her weight all the time, I have offered multiple times to do something...walking, workingout together. I cannot get her to go with me. But, this had happened to all of the women in my life, I don't know what I am doing wrong. I read the article and said to myself, "yep tried that" over and over again through the whole article. Nothing works, I don't know what to do??? help?

keep cookies in the house that you don't like!

I think you don't need a big budget to eat healthy. My husband and I were graduate students for a long long long time and our salaries were VERY limited. However, since both of us like eating healthy stuff, we would go to the farmer's market, but the veggies and fruits that were in season (and therefore cheaper), and just have a little imagination when preparing them. Try avoiding deep fried stuff! that thing is just poison!! Baking, stir-frying with a tiny bit of olive oil, grilling, etc, are much tastier and definitely healthier. You can definitely eat potatoes! just make them boiled or grilled or baked... not fried!! try replacing sour cream by low-fat plain yogurt with some herbs ;) and you'll see the baked potato tastes really good without all that fat :)

good luck!